Each year, the Oscars always manage to screw the dog with some of their nominees, and each year, I feel helpless being unable to right these wrongs. Accordingly, I’ve come up with my own method for retribution. Welcome to the Tom Whitcomb Awards for Excellence in Cinema, or as I like to call them, the Tommies.

A few ground rules: Bridesmaids will not be nominated, because I don’t see how it’s groundbreaking. It’s The Hangover starring women, not the most important comedy ever. Second, I will not be nominating The Help (or as I like to call it, White Guilt: The Movie) on moral grounds. Let the games begin!

Winners are in CAPS.

Best Picture
The Descendants
Moneyball
The Artist
DRIVE
The Tree of Life

Best Actor in a Leading Role
GARY OLDMAN, TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY
George Clooney, The Descendants
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Michael Fassbender, Shame
Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Best Actress in a Leading Role
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk About Kevin
CHARLIZE THERON, YOUNG ADULT
Kirsten Dunst, Melancholia
Elizabeth Olsen, Martha Marcy May Marlene

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
ALBERT BROOKS, DRIVE
Patton Oswalt, Young Adult
Corey Stoll, Midnight in Paris

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
SHAILENE WOODLEY, THE DESCENDANTS
Carey Mulligan, Shame
Melanie Laurent, Beginners
Jessica Chastain, The Tree of Life

Best Director
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
MARTIN SCORSESE, HUGO
Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life
Nicolas Winding Refn, Drive

Best Original Screenplay
Mike Mills, Beginners
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
WILL REISER, 50/50
Diablo Cody, Young Adult
Phil Johnston, Cedar Rapids

Best Adapted Screenplay
Aaron Sorkin and Steven Zaillian, Moneyball
ALEXANDER PAYNE AND NAT FAXON & JIM RASH, THE DESCENDANTS
John Logan, Hugo
Bridget O’Connor & Peter Straughan, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Jason Segel & Nicholas Stoller, The Muppets

Best Animated Film
THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN
Rango
Kung Fu Panda 2

Best Original Song
“LIFE’S A HAPPY SONG” (MUSIC AND LYRICS BY BRET MCKENZIE), THE MUPPETS